Although the pandemic will eventually ease and life will start to return to a new normal, video­conferencing is here to stay. It saves you and your attorney time and money, and you’ll often get in to see your attorney more easily. In order to maximize the benefit of video-conferencing, there are things you need to do (and things NOT to do) to make things easier.

l. Most video-conferences are with Zoom and you don’t need an app for that. Microsoft Teams is a little trickier, but this office Zooms.

2. You should always use a desktop or laptop computer for your conferencing. They are easier to use, and the sound and picture is much better than on a cell phone. Make sure you have audio and a camera set up for your video-conference.

3. Make sure you have good connectivity.

4. Find a comfortable spot. If you sit in front of a window or a lamp, you will be a silhouette and that makes it hard for others. Get your tea, or your coffee, or your water and be ready for your call. Get a pad of paper and a pen, to make notes with. Make sure that whatever documents you might need are at hand (agenda, agreements, bills, etc.)

5. You should be alone in the room. Your support system cannot be part of the meeting unless they’ve been invited in ahead of time. Certainly, your children should be nowhere around. Give the dog a bone and cover the bird cage.

6. Turn off the ringers on other devices. We don’t want you distracted by text messaging or a phone call that you feel you have to take. Remember, this is a business meeting.

7. If you have to schedule another appointment right after your Zoom conference, make sure you let everyone know at the start of the meeting. We don’t want to have to warp up a meeting early because you’ve just told us you have somewhere else to go.

8. Try not to interrupt – it confuses Zoom. That’s why you have the pad and pen. Write it down, and wait your turn.

Big No-No’s:

l. Don’t turn off your video because you’re mad. Don’t pretend to leave the conference.

2. Don’t refuse to turn on video – just being on the phone is sufficient, and it isn’t business-like.

3. Don’t sneak your new significant other or your sister in the room to “listen in”.

4. If you are on the cell phone and you are in the car, don’t start driving.

5. Don’t record the videoconference without first asking for everyone’s consent.

The post How to Zoom-Conference With Ease appeared first on Jennifer E. Davis LLC.

The world around us feels like it’s changing so quickly. For the moment, people may be pausing in their plans to separate but soon they’ll want to move forward. Some may just need support in “living through” the period of isolation, asking questions like How do we live together? How do we pass our children between us? What are the new rules? For others, there may be more long-term concerns like, when can we get our divorce? With the state court shut down, it may seem as if you need to put your life on hold.

However, while at this writing we don’t yet know when the courts will reopen, it is still possible to answer these questions for your family. Attorney Davis is actively mediating with couples using video conferencing, to help them answer for themselves these and many other questions. While uncertainty seems to be all around us, there are many things couples can do to create certainty in their own lives.

So what can you expect from video-conferencing? Certainly, you can expect from Attorney Davis a high level of service, compassion, and skill in assisting you to discuss and create plans for your family. We are using Zoom conferencing to create our meetings. Video-conferencing allows us all to “be in the room together” when we use the Gallery view of a Zoom conference – Attorney Davis is in her familiar office and you are in the comfort of your own home, with your own snacks and beverages and maybe even the family pet to cuddle. This may feel very intimate, as you are inviting the mediator into your personal space to mediate with you and your partner. But you will also find it to be very convenient because there’s no traffic, you don’t have to take significant time off from work and the kids don’t need to be driven to practice by a certain time.

When your appointment is set up, you’ll be sent an email with your appointment link. There’s no need to install Zoom onto your computer, the link will bring you right to the mediation when you click on it. At the appointed time, Attorney Davis will open the mediation – and it will be closed upon your entry so that no one else can enter into our virtual room

It may take some effort on your part to create a private space to meet. Put your phone on mute, and make sure the door can be closed so that the children can’t walk in as well as to block the sound of the TV in the next room. You won’t want to sit in front of a window – we want to see you, not your silhouette! It’s important that you’re the only one in the room – not your parent, children or best friend, and certainly not any new relationship. This video conference is for you and your spouse or co-parent to mediate your particular issues, and trust and privacy are paramount for you both. The session will not be recorded.

Video-conferencing may feel odd at first. Depending upon where on cameras are, it may not always feel like Attorney Davis is looking at you; speak up if that makes you uncomfortable and she can shift the camera a bit. Sometimes, speakers sound different and the zoom conference will allow you to adjust your audio. Be sure that you have a good internet connection where you’ve set up your space so that you don’t cut in and out of the conference.

Besides being in the virtual room together, Attorney Davis will be able to share documents on the screen so that they can be worked on, just like the whiteboard in her office. Certainly, you’ll have your hard copies but the screen sharing feature allows us to actively work on documents like the financial affidavits, as well as reviewing together the agreements you reach.

Video-conferencing is a fantastic opportunity for you to continue to work on moving your divorce forward because really, all we’re doing is creating a space for you to talk. See this as a time of innovation and an opportunity to quickly and effectively manage conflict. Mediation services are now only a click away.

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A client’s recent question to me about a Legal Separation got me to thinking: are there times when a Legal Separation would be preferable to a Divorce?

First, let’s talk about what is – and what is not – a Legal Separation. It is not simply living separately. You can be “living separated” with your own residences and bank accounts but that isn’t “legally-separated.” When you simply live separately from your spouse, your legal rights with regard to growing joint assets and your legal responsibilities for joint debt and spousal support remain. At the end of the legal process, often the only difference is that at the end of a Divorce you are free to marry someone else but this is not so at the end of a Legal Separation, where you have to engage in a new legal action to convert the Legal Separation into a Divorce.

People request Legal Separation for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they just want to avoid the anticipated cost and trauma of a Divorce, or they have reasons based upon religious beliefs. Others think by legally separating they can ensure ongoing affordable health care for their spouse. Many people are not interested in seeking out another relationship but don’t wish to continue in the one they are in. A Legal Separation goes through the same process of discovery and final orders that a Divorce does – this is not “Divorce Light.” This is a full court process with final court orders that remain in place until one of you decides to convert the Legal Separation into a Divorce.

So you might ask, if it’s the same process why choose a Legal Separation over a Divorce action? There might be several reasons and they have more to do with your personal and legal situation. Here are just a few considerations:

 
• Immigration rights – If either you or your spouse is a lawful permanent resident with a 10-year green card, your renewal process shouldn’t experience any problems with either a Divorce or a Legal Separation. However if one of you has a conditional green card, a Divorce might challenge the underlying basis of a renewal application. If you are legally separated, however, it is determined on a state to state basis so if your state requires a legal separation as a precondition to a divorce, your green card is vulnerable but if, as in Connecticut, it is not a precondition but is a final result in and of itself, then you should be successful. Important note: immigration rights are in a state of flux as of this writing and if you are considering divorce or legal separation, consult with an immigration attorney as well as a family practitioner to ensure your rights are protected.

 
• Religious reasons – You want to be sure that your religious beliefs are honored and there are several religious practices common in Connecticut where Divorce is frowned upon by the community but a Legal Separation is considered to be more acceptable. Be sure to discuss those relevant religious beliefs with your family attorney. Divorce and Legal Separation are hard enough without challenging fundamental religious belief systems that sustain you and you want to be sure you select a family practitioner who is sensitive to that.

 
• Health Insurance coverage – Although occurring with less frequency, some health insurance programs still allow legally-separated spouses to remain on the family plan, which is financially subsidized by the employer and thus, provides a savings to the family. (This is not to be confused with your rights under COBRA, where you can buy into your former spouse’s health insurance plan but at a higher, non-subsidized rate.) Make sure your family attorney has a copy of the current plan language so that you can be assured that coverage can continue at the subsidized rate if allowed under that plan.

 
• Maintaining Survivorship in jointly-held Real Estate – Most spouses take title to their homes in survivorship which means that if one dies, full title to the property goes to the surviving spouse. In many states, including Connecticut, survivorship is severed at the time of Divorce and the former spouses become tenants in common, which means that if the one dies the interest in real estate passes to that spouse’s heirs and not to the former spouse. Survivorship can be and often is reaffirmed at the time of the Divorce – you would do that, for example, if the house was to be marketed and sold after the divorce. Interestingly, Connecticut’s statute (Section 47-14g) is silent as to the effect of a legal separation on survivorship interests so the argument could be made that there is no impact. Best practice, I think, is to reaffirm survivorship at the time of a Legal Separation.

 
• Federal Taxes – I’m going to start right here by saying you need to consult an accountant on this, with all the recent changes to the tax law. When alimony was deductible to the payor (and yes, there can be alimony awarded under a Legal Separation), it was clear that you could not file a joint tax return and still claim that deduction. Now that the deduction is gone, it is considerably less clear and you and your spouse may want to consider a Joint filing status under advisement of your accountant. If under current law a legally-separated couple is considered still “married” pursuant to the tax code, then filing jointly is usually a better status than married/filing separately. If you are considering a Legal Separation to enhance your tax status, then consult with an accountant to determine the feasibility and appropriate parameters. Your accountant can provide correct language for your attorney to place in your final agreement.

 
• Inheritance rights – Most of us have wills, but if we do not our estates are governed under the laws of intestacy. Each state dictates how property in intestacy is transferred, and it usually passes first to the spouse (and if no spouse, to the children and if no children…etc.) This is a complex area of the law and if you wish to have your legally-separated spouse inherit, the best practice is to have a Will confirming the right to inherit and as well, to have affirming language in your Separation Agreement that it is your intent that your legally-separated spouse receive all rights as if she/he were not legally-separated. If you wish that your legally-separated spouse NOT inherit from your estate, then you will need to consult with an estate attorney to determine if a spousal share (also known as the widow’s/widower’s portion) is due your legally-separated spouse. While the statutes may be silent on this issue and case law may be conflicting, your family attorney will ensure that your wishes are appropriately set out in you Separation Agreement.

 
• Pension rights – You may be able to name your legally-separated spouse as your beneficiary to your pension but all plans differ. Make sure that your family attorney has a full copy of your defined benefit (pension) plan document so that you understand what rights a legally-separated spouse has under that plan as well as to confirm that removing your legally-separated spouse as beneficiary doesn’t trigger any spousal guaranteeing language.

 
• Title 19 planning – A good estate attorney can help you plan to protect a share of your assets if your spouse is deteriorating physically and cognitively and not infrequently, a Legal Separation can help you to set aside your fair share of the assets and income so that when your spouse has exhausted their financial resources, they can move to state-funding and you will be left with your own resources to support yourself.

This can all be mighty confusing. Many people think a Legal Separation is simpler and more affordable than a Divorce but you can see from the above that there are many considerations based upon your goals with regard to becoming legally separated. Make sure you select a practitioner who is comfortable discussing these options with you and as well, is comfortable working with other practitioners (an accountant, an estate lawyer or immigration counsel) to ensure that your goals can be met. If you and your spouse choose a Legal Separation, you can mediate it or you can use collaboratively-trained legal counsel to negotiate the finer details.

The post Is a Legal Separation an Option for Us? appeared first on Jennifer E. Davis LLC.

There are always different stories and metaphors to understanding collaborative practice. Certainly, we can all understand it concretely – any one of us can describe the process of collaboration to the uninitiated and as well, any one of us can engage in deeper conversation about collaboration and its impact upon our clients’ lives. But there are lessons all around us which can lead us to a more intuitive understanding and practice, if we will but take the time to observe. My lesson was taught by a group of hummingbirds.

Flighty, skittish and argumentative, hummingbirds are elusive creatures that I delight in watching. But I had to lure them to my home and the mere placement of a hummingbird feeder was not enough to encourage their presence. There must be cover for their protection. There must be shade, so their nectar does not become too hot and mold. Several feeders turned out to be better than one because they don’t share easily with one another. And most important, the nectar must be freshened and the feeder must be cleaned frequently and consistently.

I had my feeders in place for a whole season, with nary a visitor. They were around, I could hear them but they would not come to my feeder. I became careless and less attentive to cleaning and in no time, my feeder had black mold. I packed up my feeder for the winter. The second season, I tried again and started to experience some success but again, the tiresome chore of changing the nectar with consistency became a problem and my hummingbirds went away.

The third season I tried again, and this year there were two feeders set out, as well as some attractive hanging flowering plants. I cleaned my feeders and placed fresh nectar in them at least once a week (and twice a week when it was in the 90s) and I had hummingbirds! Trusting, thirsty, responsive hummingbirds became my tiny companions. Morning and evening they came to my deck, and enjoyed their nectar. I grew accustomed to their calls, and began to recognize individuals among them. We created trust and reliance between us. They would drink and skitter about in the tree, buzzing close to my head as they moved from feeder to flowers and back to feeder. Our system was seamless.

And then, I made a mistake. In my human, rush-to-get-things-done way, I made a mistake. It had been a stinking hot week and I decided to really clean the feeders by running them through the dishwasher and I took them all down, dumped their contents and then ran them through the dishwasher. But it was late in the day and so I refilled them and hung them the next morning. And guess what? No hummingbirds.

I had broken trust in our fragile little alliance. In my rush to complete a chore and make everything lovely for the hummingbirds, I didn’t pause to see how that decision would affect them. I didn’t realize that I was taking away the nectar for the evening, and that in doing so, I was breaking trust. I had a goal – to clean the feeders – but that goal was not the hummingbirds’ goal. I acted upon my goal without consulting my alliance, without thinking through potential ramifications and I broke trust.

How often as collaborative practitioners do we do just that? We see the goal of finality – its right ahead of us and we grab at it. And too often, we fail to realize until it’s too late that our collaborative participants are not ready or adequately prepared to take that big a step. We work methodically and respectfully throughout the process, and then we attempt to race through the final few steps. It seems efficient to us and it gets the job done, but in our haste, we lose sight of the fact that this is the participants’ process and we need to honor that process – we are obliged to honor that process – by not rushing through the final moments.

Well, of course, the hummingbirds came back. It took a day or so but soon we were back into our little regimen. And so do we often bring our participants back into the collaborative process. We pause, we regroup, we acknowledge the misstep and we proceed forward. But how unnecessary is it to have to go through those steps? If we can maintain our focus on the process and not upon the final result, then our collaborative process becomes seamless, intuitive and instinctual.

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Many people inquire about mediating their divorce and usually their motivation is to keep the costs low. No one wants to spend hard-earned money on a divorce and when you meet with an attorney and learn that legal fees are incurred for “time spent” – whatever THAT might mean – you can’t help but wonder if there is a more affordable way to divorce

The reality, however, is that mediation is only more affordable if you can reach an agreement. Nobody wants to waste time and money spinning their wheels uselessly. So before you choose mediation, you must first decide if you can mediate. Here are some things to consider:

1. Our case is easy. No, it isn’t. No one’s divorce is “easy.” There are always twists and quirks that arise and you have no idea what they might be, because you aren’t knowledgeable in accounting, or financial law, or real estate transfers, or child development, or IRS regulations, or all of any number of potential roadblocks. Your mediator is. You might have an overall idea of what is “fair” but don’t expect your mediator to just write down your ideas, pat you on the head and say “well done.” You’re hiring a mediator, not a scrivener and you need to be prepared to get some education here.
2. Our case is too complex to mediate. Many families face complexity. It could be a detailed financial portfolio, or an ongoing health crisis, or a relocation to a different state. It may feel insurmountable to you because you’re in the middle of it. Your mediator will break these issues down into manageable pieces, so that you can begin by working around the edges and making small agreements, and that will break down the big pieces of your case into manageable bites that you will successfully mediate.
3. My spouse is very controlling/charming/manipulative. Again, not really. Your mediator is trained to work through personality issues and relationship dynamics. If one of you is not a talker, be prepared to be drawn into the conversation. If one of you is the talker, be prepared for some push-back. That’s the mediator’s job – to make sure everyone at the table can speak and is listened to. Sorting through power and control issues is part of the process.
4. We’re on a tight budget. Sounds about right. Mediation is generally a pay-as-you-go process. Your budget will control how frequently we meet, and for how long. You will have sessions as your budget allows. Are you prepared to read financial documents on your own? Are you prepared to gather records for the group? Can you complete your financial affidavit? Are you willing to maintain a good perspective? Will you keep to the agreements you make? There are lots of things you can do to keep the process affordable. Your mediator doesn’t have to do the legwork to gather financial information, or chase you around for completed documents, or renegotiate the same agreement – these things are all within your control.
5. Can we do this without legal representation? Of course. And each of you has the absolute right to retain review counsel who will work with you by the hour to prepare for a mediation session, if you wish, or to review the final affidavits and agreement to ensure you’ve dotted your legal i’s and crossed your legal t’s.
6. How do I get my spouse to come to the office to start the mediation? This is your first opportunity to enter into a successful negotiation. If only one of you comes to the intake, your mediator will give you some ideas about how to talk about the mediation process to an uncertain spouse. It is not uncommon for one spouse to be further along emotionally and part of your mediator’s job is to make sure that each of you feels emotionally supported and respected.
7. We just want what’s fair. Everyone does – but not everyone defines “fair” the same way. Fair is not always equal. Fair is not always, you go your way and I’ll go mine. Fair is what works for you each in light of your respective goals, concerns, dreams and hopes. Your mediator will spend some time with you to talk about these intangible pieces so that when we get down to negotiating, we reach a resolution that truly works for each of you.

Mediation is a supportive, personal process to ending a marriage and it’s a good option for many people. Take some time to think about the process and determine if you are good candidates to mediate your resolution.

The post Are We Good Candidates for Mediation? appeared first on Jennifer E. Davis LLC.

Conflict often seems to be an inevitable part of our lives – whether on the national scene, at the workplace or in our families. Frequently conflict will seem to sort itself out, usually with a compromise or even a capitulation of one person and while it rarely goes away, it can lie beneath the surface so that we forget its presence, at least until the next time conflict peeks out at us.

But what about the conflict that doesn’t go away? Maybe you’re dealing with an intractable fellow employee, who seems determined to destroy your reputation at the workplace. Perhaps your child or step-child is thwarting your every effort to parent competently. Or it could be that your partner in life has somehow changed, or maybe you have different goals now and it appears that your marriage is ending.

These types of conflicts can threaten our very well-being and may clash with our perspective of who we are and where we think we stand in the world. We become competitive and defensive. Our viewpoint narrows and hardens into concrete positions. We start to describe our lives as a series of episodes, where we are the wronged party, the victim, the helpless one. We no longer know which action to choose. We lose the capacity to resolve the conflict in our life.

The paradigm of mediation suits the resolution of these conflicts well because the mediator gently moves the participants away from firm positions and complaints into a discussion of goals, concerns, dreams and interests. This is the area that is rich with solutions because now we can discover areas of commonality and mutual understanding. When participants are invited to take a step back and to take a long view of the crisis, conflict can recede as options – not compromises – begin to present themselves.

The co-workers can agree that they each want to advance to positions of more responsibility and that the success of the company is important to them both. They can now move beyond mutual sabotage and plot a course built on their respective strengths and value to the company.

The parent and teenager can understand that independence is an important and necessary part of the teen experience, and can then set parameters that allow the teen to grow and stay safe. They can now move beyond broken curfews and increased punishments.

The divorcing couple can acknowledge that they each love the children, and are loved by them and that it is important to all that they each experience financial security. They can now move beyond blame and recrimination.

“I want to be financially secure” is so much easier to achieve than “I have to have the house.”  “I want you to be safe” is easier to hear than “My house, my rules.” Now we have a host of options to explore because you have each defined your “win” more broadly.

These are not new ideas. As the mediator guides the participants through and past their positions into a deeper conversation, human nature allows participants to open up and see a different perspective. We all want success in our endeavors. Mediation allows us to expand our understanding and definition of success, and that makes it much more attainable.

A mediation is an affordable way to resolve conflict in your life, and a skilled, experienced mediator will demonstrate skills that the participants can take into their lives to manage future conflict.

The post Mediation – The Graceful Art of Restructuring Conflict appeared first on Jennifer E. Davis LLC.

What do we think about as practitioners when we consider adding or maintaining a collaborative component to our overall law practice? Certainly there are the basic considerations of marketing and cost-effectiveness that make any practice component financially justifiable and for many, the analysis may end there. Beyond that, however, there is the lure of creating alternatives that support and empower a client through a difficult time. I’m writing here of a collaborative practice that permits the practitioner to reach deep into one’s self to access curiosity, generosity and empathy in order to create solutions that satisfy not only the deeper needs of the client, but as well, allows the practitioner to experience a spiritual satisfaction that goes far beyond bottom line considerations.

Divorce for many clients can be a defining moment: it can be a time of taking stock, of reflecting upon one’s choices, of admitting to mistakes, of acknowledging historical patterns, of exploring new, previously unthought-of directions, of experiencing sometimes frightening emotional highs and lows. At its very best, the divorce process can present an opportunity for the client to have a deeply spiritual experience. I’m not talking here about a traditional religious experience but of one that expands the individual’s awareness of their own human spirit. To be part of that growth and to nurture its nascent roots within a collaborative paradigm is the privilege of the practitioner. By accessing one’s own generosity and compassion as support for the client, the practitioner as well has an opportunity for personal spiritual growth through the guidance of the client’s journey.

Clients come to the practitioner vulnerable and in distress. To say that they are not at their best is an understatement. They are being divorced from, or they are realizing that they will have less time with their children, or that the financial stability to which they’ve grown accustomed will be altered. Despite their stated willingness to enter into the collaborative process, there is a piece in them that is angry, resentful, afraid, tentative, defensive and reactive. They listen with acceptance to the theory of interests-based negotiation but at heart, they have a firmly seated personal position of fairness and justice. At the beginning, theirs is a surface acceptance of the collaborative paradigm and not a deeper understanding of the spiritual shifts that can be brought on by a collaborative negotiation. It is incumbent upon the practitioner to recognize this, and to understand that clients are often at the moment of signing the collaborative agreement unready to explore the potential of their evolving stories. They are not ready to give up the old trajectory of their lives and live in a new direction, and this presents a unique challenge to the collaborative practitioner that is not presented to the mediator or the litigator. It is at this point that the collaborative practitioner is invited into the client’s life and to be a part of the evolving story.  This then is the challenge for the practitioner: to teach, to coach, to truly collaborate with the client and with the team, to create a result that responds to the deep needs of all the participants.

This is not about boundaries. A spiritual collaborative practice doesn’t require that we literally live our client’s journey. Rather, it is about the practitioner’s ability to open one’s heart, still the space, quiet the mind and listen, to ask questions and seek deeper responses as interests – true interests – are developed. St. Thomas Aquinas said, “Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take us over, it drives compassion right out of our hearts.” The client’s world of divorce is based in fear – fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of sorrow. Therefore, clients will always push toward a resolution but the practitioner may guide the negotiation away from neat and tidy resolutions and toward a deeper understanding of the client’s journey. As litigators, we are all about nurturing the fear and developing our postures. The collaborative practitioner’s role here is to hold tight to compassion, and to guide the client past the fear and into a place of options.

Recently, I’ve begun to consider the impact of a collaborative practice as well as the impact of compromise of collaborative principles upon the emotional life of the practitioner. Is it possible that a collaborative practice can impact us at a spiritual level, at its height enriching and empowering us as practitioners as well as individuals while when compromised leaving us longing and dissatisfied?  I have come to believe that if we invest ourselves fully into the collaborative paradigm, we as practitioners can emerge with a deeper, more thoughtful understanding of human nature and thus, of ourselves.

By fully embracing the collaborative paradigm as practitioners, we have the opportunity to truly reach inside of ourselves and give to our clients the very best of our skills and the very best of our selves. Rather than provide them “with the answer” we instead strive to create an environment that allows the clients to determine the answer for themselves. Spiritually, this isn’t a new concept.  Consider Matthew 4:19 – “Give a person a fish, and you feed that person for a day. Teach people to fish, and you feed the people for a lifetime.” The creation of a truly collaborative environment, one based upon identification with interests and not with positions, has the potential to enrich all who participate, professional as well as client, as we build upon an interrelated experience of interests-based negotiation.

The generosity of the collaborative practitioner, then, is to create and maintain such an environment. The client seeks a path to a goal, and this leads to position-based negotiations. Instead, the collaborative environment as guided by the practitioner says with every step we have arrived because with every step, we are addressing your interests. Maintaining a focus on interests and on being present enhances the collaborative experience for all participants – including the practitioner. It allows the collaborative team to experience a richness in the negotiation that is missing from a position-based negotiation which demands compromise in order to move forward. It is fulfilling and satisfying to all. In working through the collaborative paradigm for a client’s divorce, the practitioner can recognize and confront deep personal fears, making us more aware as individuals of our own motivations. Our role, then, is to keep the collaborative paradigm open, present and functioning. That role can easily become part of our spiritual practice for daily lives as we focus on being present and being open in our day to day activities.

As we strive toward a spiritually-based practice, our failures – those seemingly inevitable cases which seek to rush to judgment to just get it done – can sap our energy and cause us to question not only our skills but collaborative practice as a whole. As practitioners, we experience frustration and loss when a collaborative matter moves inexorably from interests-based to position-based negotiation and we are unable to redirect the negotiation back into the collaborative paradigm. However as we as individuals continue grow in our collaborative experience, I believe that practitioners will become more trusting of themselves, of their intuition and of their power within the team and that maintaining focus within the paradigm will become second nature. As we experience success within the collaborative paradigm, we become more confident. The personalities and challenges of the individual client, whether our own or from the “other side”, present no conflict for us to address because we begin to hear them through a filter of compassion and generosity.

For me, the success of any collaborative negotiation builds my confidence that I am moving in the right direction for my own growth as a practitioner and as a human. Negotiations that fail to stay within the paradigm are lessons to be learned from. But the deeper questions of the negotiation stay with me always: am I being open, am I present? What is the filter through which I am hearing this individual? Am I judging the action, or am I hearing the experience? Am I judging the individual, or am I holding a space for this individual to grow? Am I contributing to the balance of equality among all the participants? Is it necessary that I speak here? These are lessons that go with me daily through my life, and form a springboard for my personal spiritual practice.

The post Collaborative Practice as a Spiritual Practice appeared first on Jennifer E. Davis LLC.

I volunteered to create an icebreaker for a recent retreat for about 25 multi-disciplinary collaborative professionals. I chose a simple concept – tossing a ball of yarn to a participant, who would then tell a little bit about themselves before tossing it to another participant. Some folks were a little nervous, some clearly didn’t want to do it, still others wanted to just get on with the retreat. There was laughter, and constant reminders to hold onto the yarn before tossing.

A simple enough concept, with extraordinary results.

People chose to challenge themselves. While occasionally a participant would toss the yarn across the table, most chose to hurl the yarn far down the single table, with the result that the yarn became stretched and interwoven in increasingly complicated ways. And as the yarn pattern became more intricate, the stories became broader, richer and more intimate. The initial nervous laughter at the table decreased and then disappeared all together. The participant-speakers became more thoughtful and revelatory with regard to the story each chose to share. The participant-listeners became more engaged and respectful of the intimate knowledge of another’s story. We recognized at that moment how little we really know of the collaborative professionals with whom we work.

In addition, there was the unspoken communication that arose from the handling of the yarn. One or two participants set the yarn on the table before them as they spoke but most continued to handle the yarn in unconscious ways either spooling and unspooling the ball, or twisting a thread of it, or tossing it lightly back and forth between hands as they spoke. Several people held the yarn and twisted it so, so tightly. Others gathered their thoughts by staring into the ball before they spoke. One woman continued to pull the yarn as she told her story so that she had a pile of yarn before her that had to be rewound before tossing to the next participant. How the yarn was handled spoke to the depth of the sharing.

At the end we stood, still holding our piece of yarn and we admired the pattern and interweaving of the yarn. We discovered how it connected us in unexpected and delightful ways. We realized how, through one another, we were all connected even though those connections may be distant.

We left they yarn in a big pile on the table and toward the end of the day, as we gathered together to close our retreat, I started to untangle the snarl so that I could rewind the ball. There was much laughter about this and comments about how tedious that process was. I worked alone for a while. Gradually, and with no other comment, others started to reach in and to disentangle the pieces before them. We worked silently on our section of the yarn. And then without discussion but by unspoken consent we would all stop our work so that one person could continue on and move parts of the snarl around so that we could all continue our work. The meeting went on around us as we worked. The unspoken and seamless collaboration that surrounded the untangling of the yarn was for me one of the highlights of the retreat. We came together with a common goal, we recognized one another’s roles and strengths without designation, and we untangled the yarn.

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